Today I am thinking of going to my gynie after 2pm to check on the health of my baby.
The thought of having a new baby takes me back to Mother. I missed Mother so much. She passed away many years back. She must have been happy to see me now.
The thought of Mother makes me want to cry sometimes. What hell she might have went through to carry us in her belly, without Dad caring about her, busy with fulfilling the older wife's needs etc. What a cruel place to be when you are pregnant with the guy's baby, and that uncaring guy is indeed my own Dad. He lives till today, he is already 85 years old.
And the thought of having delivered the baby, and then being taken away from you is beyond inhumane. Dad did that to Mother. That was so cruel and unforgiven. Mother had 4, 2 boys (Rahim and Sham) and 2 girls (me and Zai).
Rahim was taken away from Mother since after her confinement. I was taken from her since I was 6 years old. Zai was taken from her too, but she was slightly older , maybe around 12 or 13 years age. Sham tried to stay with Mak Wa (Dad's older / other wife), but he didnt like it. So he was sent back to Mother's care, but he was already finishing high school at that time.
So I was the one that had to go through all the cruelty and abuse at a very tender age of 6. Zai escaped most of it, being the youngest and the longest staying with Mother.
A lot of people say to me, it's not good for the baby's emotion if I keep thinking about sad things while I am like this. But the thoughts of those really flooded my mind. I even found myself talking to Mother in my sleeps, for a few nights and it's really scary.
I even had a vivid dream few days ago. I was talking to Mother, about my baby, and Mother said I dont have to worry coz I have a "guardian" and the baby does too. My Guardian is around 12 years old and the baby's one will be there once she arrives. I got scared, woke up, I saw the clock beside my bed says 5:13am. I toss and turn, but I couldnt sleep back. It was so real and scary.
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