KAWAN ku KAWIN LAGI

Aku terkejut gajah bila dengar seorang mamat kat kemaman (work colleage) yang dulu memang rapat, sudah kawin lagi. Kelakar pun ada, tapi selebih nye terkejut!!!

Budak tempat kerja pun mengesahkan kesahihan gossip hangat terbaru ini, budak shah alam pun confirm cerita yang sama.

Entah sejauh mana kebenaranya, wallahua'lam.

Yang aku dengar, bini baru dia ni bawak BMW brand new lagi, warna merah you!!! Jangan jealous. Rambut blonde, modern, jauh beza dengan wife dia yang dah beranak 3, macam kampung sikit la, tapi baik dan sweet orangnya. Wife baru dia ni macam dah berumur sikit, itu menurut kata kawan2 yang tersermpak dengan mamat ni and the new wife. Aku sendiri tak pernah tengok dengan mata sendiri, jadi tak leh nak komen apa.

Budak shah alam terserempak mamat ni kat KLCC, sibuk tengah shopping, tengah honeymoon. Dengar cerita dia ni nak pindah rumah jugak. Entah la..Nak dok mana, tak tahu la. Kot dok kerteh je, dok kemaman ke, dok KL ke, sapa yang tau... cuma member2 yang rapat dengan dia je la yang tau kot.

Yang aku takut, setahu aku mamat ni memang suka attention. Sejak dua menjak ni, dia kurang kawan, sebab perangai dia yang tak senonoh, terlalu bermuka-muka, depan kita baik,belakang kita entah apa dia cerita kat orang pasal kita, Allah yang Maha Mengetahui.

Buat masa sekarang ni dia tengah desperate, sebab ramai tak nak berkawan dengan dia lagi. Ramai yang lari. Semua dah sedar akan "kecanggihan bermuka-muka" dia.

So, sunyi la dia. Dia call pun, orang tak layan.

Kalau dulu orang asyik call dia, orang sibuk tanya dia macam2, sibuk cerita dengan dia macam2. So, dia boleh angkuh cerita kat orang sana sini yang dia tahu banyak perkembangan pasal HQ, pasal Shah Alam, pasal orang tu, pasal orang ni.

So, maybe sekarang ni dia saja sebarkan berita ni untuk dapatkan balik perhatian..u never know!

Pendek kata, dia ni memang suka bergossip, KALAH DARI POMPUAN. Aku ni perempuan pun tak sehebat dia, bergossip.

Aku mengaku, itu adalah bahan dia nak berborak dan close dengan aku pada mula2 awal aku kenal dengan dia. Bila dia bercerita pasal boss aku, coordinator dia, budak2 HR, budak2 account kat HQ semua rapat dengan dia, aku macam ter-pecaya lah jugak. Ish...hebat jugak mamat ni, semua orang dok pecaya kat dia. Aku pun risau jugak, kene la berbaik dengan dia kalau aku nak berbaik dengan budak2 lain, sebab connection cable dia besar, bahaya kalau aku buat sesuka hati...itu yang aku pikir mula2 masa aku join company ni dulu.

Tiap2 kali aku breakfast dengan dia, ada je gossip pasal orang lain. Mula2 tu gossip pasal kerja la.... Budak shah alam tengah bengang, sebab boss they all keling, cakap putar belit, anaconda la... macam2...

Cerita pasal budak2 HQ pasal payment itu ini, sangkut la... macam2...dia cuba tunjuk kat aku yang dia tahu semua bende la...dari A to Z.... aku dengar je la.. malas nak comment, sebab aku pun baru lagi masa tu...

Tapi yang ketara nya, bila boss budak Shah Alam si keling yang dia kutuk tu datang kemaman, bukan main lagi dia baik, tolong book kan hotel, tolong ambik hantar dari airport, pegi appointment sama-sama, bawak they all makan dinner dari hari pertama mamat keling tu datang, sampai la hari dia naik flight balik KL... semua dia uruskan, agaknya seluar dalam pun belikan kot!!

Plus... bila aku join they all punye discussion, minum teh tarik ke, bukan main lagi dia dok bercakap dengan mamat tu. Tapi belakang mamat tu, habis dikutuknya.

Boss aku pun kene. Boss aku ni penyayang dan sungguh mulia orang nya. Dah berumur dah, sebab one of the poineer yang naikkan nama company aku sejak dari awal sampai la ke hari ni.

Boss aku pecaya gila kat mamat sewel ni. So, dia suruh aku contact la si bahlul ni kalau ada apa2, kira orang penting la kat kemaman ni. Aku pun ikut je la.

Bila pegi meeting dengan boss aku, punye la mamat tak sedar diri ni cerita macam2 pasal kemaman punye issue, mengadu pasal ni la, pasal tu la... mintak tolong la boss aku ni.. Jadi they all discuss la cane nak buat, suruh la dia hantar email ke, apa2 yang patut jadi boss aku ni boleh la take action.. (semua ni berlaku depan mata, aku ada dalam bilik boss aku masa they all borak2 tu)...

Sampai masa, mamat ni terus senyap. Email tak de, apa pun tak de. Boss aku ni niat memang suci nak menolong... Tapi orang yang mintak tolong tu tetiba senyap macam tu je.

Boss aku meeting kat kemaman, si mamat ni masuk sekali dalam meeting. Satu patah perkataan pun tak keluar dari mulut mamat ni, tapi kat belakang...macam2 complain.

Boss aku ni harap2 lah dia ni bersuara...tapi tak de...sampai lah ke hari ini... Kesian boss aku di perbodoh-bodohkan... depan2 budak2 kemaman plak tu....

hey!!!! hebat betul jejaka ni...Belakang je berani, depan tak berani!!! Pengecut!!!

Macam aku cakap, tiap2 kali breakfast, ada je gossip dia cerita dengan aku. Aku ni kalau bab2 personal orang ni, memang tak ambik port sangat, malas nak masuk kepala.

Habis cerita pasal kerja, dia start la cerita pasal personal.

Aku ni terbeliak la biji mata dengar dia ni bercerita... sounds very...CONVINCING!!!

Dia start la cerita coordinator aku kat KL tu syok kat dia. Dia cerita la budak2 account syok kat dia jugak.. dia sebut la beberapa nama. Sejak dari mula aku masuk, aku dah dengar cerita pasal orang pompuan dok syok kat dia, tapi memang aku tak ambik port. Orang tu nak suka sapa, nak main dengan sapa... lantak la...sebab aku malas nak pikir pasal hal peribadi orang. Macam mana aku tak suka orang masuk campur hal peribadi aku, macam tu la aku malas nak ambik tau pasal hal peribadi orang.

Dia mention budak shah alam, dia suka sangat, kulit gebu, putih... cara dia cakap tu macam naik stim je...aku nak tergelak pun ada.. Pas tu dia cakap coordinator aku kuat jealous, so dia suruh aku tengok la masa farewell dinner untuk Farid, ex staff nanti.

Masa farewell dinner tu, aku jadi macam BEWARE!!! sebab dia dah cerita macam2 kat aku...aku ni jadi macam observer plak... sori lah geng... aku tak berniat nak buat camtu... but I did...cant' help it....

So testimony lepas Farid Farewell dinner tu jadi bahan gossip dia seterusnye. Dia tanya aku, samada aku perasan coordinator jealous ke tak dia bergambar dengan budak shah alam yang putih gebu tu, aku cakap biasa je.. Dia tanya, aku perasan tak adik Tengku syok kat coordinator aku tu, adik Tengku tu siap ajak coordinator aku kawin.... cakap pasal coordinator Shah Alam pun syok kat dia, suka call dia... tapi hubby dia jealous, suruh balik awal..macam2 aku dengar.

Sejak dari dia bukak buku cerita pasal peribadi orang, aku macam tak selesa dah nak bergaul sangat dengan dia.. aku ni dibuatnya macam MICROSCOPE dia plak..tiap kali habis sesatu incident, dia suruh aku observe dan bagi pandangan.

Masalahnya aku tak suka bende2 camni... Bab tu dia tak tahu pasal diri aku..... Aku ni memang pantang kalau lelaki menggunakan kita wanita macam ni.... mentang2 la they all ni bujang, belum kawin....dia anggap kita pompuan ni sanggup settle for man like him out of desperation (man with kids, married, with no money). Aku betul2 rasa dia ni bahlul dan berpandangan begitu cetek, dan memandang rendah pada orang pompuan!!!

Aku start meluat dengar cerita dia, aku start meluat tengok muka dia!!!

Dari segi kerja pun, dia banyak tak nak tolong aku. Tapi dia cakap dengan Boss aku, dia akan tolong. Tipu betul!!!

Tender aku buat, mintak costing pun tak dapat. Mintak costing bende lain, dia kasik bende lain. Rasa macam nak ketuk je kepala dia, sebab dia dah jadi manager, takkan la costing tak tahu langsung. Rupa-rupanya, dia tak buat costing. Budak bawah dia yang buat, tapi dia tak nak mengaku. Bila aku tanya budak bawah dia, terus settle, tak banyak hal, tak banyak cerita.

Barang untuk project aku sampai kat kemaman, dia boleh call aku, dok membebel dokumen ni tak de, tu tak de, invoice tak de, packing list tak de .... semua dia complain...aku naik rimas dibuatnya... last2 bila tanya budak bawah dia...oh dont worry kak...semua ada dah...saya buatkan....

Aku dapat inquiry dari member kat Petronas Gas, kira direct nego la... nak fabricate special material, dia setuju nak tolong aku. Dia kasi aku contact supplier kat SIngapore. Aku call la contact tu, number not in service. Aku email, bounce balik. Aku tanya la dia, cane nak contact...dia macam lari2 je dari aku... malas nak cakap pasal bende tu.. aku ni memang jadi bodoh dibuatnya....

sapa tak bengang???

Dari segi professional, aku dah tak respect dia dah...sebab macam2 dah kene.

Siasat punye siasat... tanya budak2 bawah sana sini, memang dia ni tak de function sangat kat Kemaman office ni. Jawatan dia naik manager tu pun tak di iktiraf oleh Boss Kemaman, jadi nak comment apa lagi. Patut la aku perasan dia selalu tak de opis, keluar ikut sesuka hati dia... budak2 lain macam nak mampus kerja...sampai ke malam...

Dia siap ada masa nak tolong Shah Alam buat kerja-kerja bodoh, sanggup jadi despatch pun tak pe. Logik ke tak logik? Kalau u jaga workshop, u ada masa ke nak buat bende lain? Kalau orang biasa, jawapannya TAK DE MASA.... tapi dia ada masa..Banyak masa.....

Suka menipu sana sini, itu accessories dia. Bende2 kecik pun nak menipu. Kalau nak kata dia menipu aku masa aku rapat dengan dia dulu tu, HANCING PERING dah aku ni kene KENCING dek dia.

Yang lawaknya, tiap kali dia menipu aku, aku dapat tangkap akhirnya. Bukan apa, aku ni memang species serik berkawan, especially orang melayu kita. Macam2 dah kene.

Penipuan dia tu melanda-landa macam Tsunami, sampai akhirnya termakan diri dia sendiri, orang lain pun dapat tahu dia menipu. Bukan aku sahaja. Semua umat manusia yang kenal dia ni memang tahu dia ni bermuka-muka.

Kalau budak2 pompuan, especially yang belum kawin ni, memang jadi barang mainan dia siang malam. Usha sana, usha sini. Sms sana, sms sini, malam2 buta pun sms anak dara orang. Bab yang tu aku tahu kenapa, sebab mamat ni memang ada rupa sikit, putih, rendah je orangnya, charming bukan main. Kalau cakap tu, "abang" saja dia bahasakan diri dia dengan budak2 pompuan. Dengan aku je dia tak suruh aku panggil abang sebab aku ni dah kawin, lagipun dia tahu aku ni tak berapa minat kat dia sangat. Purely professional and at work only.

Aku pernah cerita pasal best friend aku tak kawin lagi kat dia, nothing detail, tapi bila dia dengar tak kawin lagi, tiap2 kali aku nak gi KL meeting kat HQ, sibuk dia ajak aku jumpa kawan aku tu. Aku ni plak tak suka lah nak bawak dia. Kalau kita jumpa kawan kita, buat apa kita nak bawak jantan..pelik la.. Tapi banyak kali la dia dok suruh, nak kenal konon. Aku mengelak je..malas aku nak layan. Perasan handsome tak tentu pasal.

Lagipun aku tahu kawan aku takkan suka kat dia sebab dia ni personality kurang sikit, setakat ada rupa. Duit pun tak de, sori cakap la. Kawan aku ni high maintenance sikit. So, memang terang-terangan takkan sesuai, jadi aku malas nak buang masa aku.

Lama dah aku tak contact mamat tu. Kalau dulu, aku pergi office, mesti ajak dia minum pagi. Everyday, without fail. Baik kan ... so apa2 pun boleh je. Tapi sejak aku serik dengan dia, aku pegi office pun senyap2 je, masuk opis, tutup pintu, sampai masa balik. Senyap macam kucing aku. Oleh sebab tu, dia siap tabur cerita kat opis Shah Alam, Office HQ yang aku ni tak pegi office. Kalau aku pergi, dia sure nampak, sebab menurut kata dia, dia selalu kat office.

Aku bengang jugak dengan sikap dia. Mula2 dulu aku senyap je, malas nak gembar-gembur cerita pasal dia, tapi lama2 orang lain sibuk dok tanya aku bende yang bukan-bukan, sesekali aku kene gak la defend diri aku. Sampai Shah Alam punye boss pun tahu dia dengan aku tak baik ni apahal? Aku start suspect dia nak sabotage aku la, apa lagi?

Aku boleh rasa Shah Alam punye boss macam ambik tak kisah dah pasal aku, sebab last meeting dengan Boss Shah Alam, dia dok bercerita pasal orang, sampai nak masuk dua jam, kebas dah buntut aku duduk kat kerusi tu, tapi bila cerita pasal plan untuk aku, 5 min tak sampai. Aku dah agak dah...ni mesti ada orang cucuk belakang ni... Sebab tu aku rasa aku perlu bertindak!!

Sesapa yang tak kenal dia, inilah dia orang nya.

Work colleagues kat Shah Alam, HQ semua ingat dia ni adalah orang penting Kemaman.

Wahai colleagues ku! Dia bukan seperti yang kamu fikirkan!!!

Kat kemaman, dia tu tak de nilai. Dia tak de sesapa. Dia tak boleh decide apa2, dia tak buat apa2. Boss Kemaman memang tunggu masa dan ketika je nak buang dia. Silap je langkah, memang mampus la mamat ni. Bende2 ni aku dengar dari mulut budak2 kemaman sendiri. Bukan sorang dua, almost everybody says the same thing.

Sejak aku tak baik dengan dia, budak2 nampak aku keluar masuk office sorang2, they all start perasan aku tak baik dah dengan mamat tu. Jadi masing2 nampak aku ni NEUTRAL la. So ada yang offer diri, berborak dengan aku.

So banyak la cerita-cerita yang sungguh mengejutkan.

Tak kurang pulak kes-kes dia menipu budak2 admin pasal dia keluar sana sini tak inform budak2 admin betul2 mana dia nak pergi. Boss Kemaman suruh budak2 ni siasat dia pergi mana. Sebab they all ingat aku ni baik dengan mamat tu, jadi they all tanya la aku. Aku ni plak jenis honest punye orang, aku bagi tau je la mana aku pergi. Si mamat ni bagi tau aku yg dia ada meeting satu petang, pas tu budak office call aku tanya mamat tu mana, aku cakap la dia ada meeting (macam mana dia beritahu aku), budak2 admin marah sebab dia inform office dia ada hal personal.

Aku pun pening. Sebab tu aku cakap, bende-bende kecik pun nak menipu. Aku terus malas nak masuk campur. Lantak dia la nak buat apa.

Aku rasa orang macam dia ni, DAH TERBIASA menipu, jadi bila dia tak menipu, TAK BOLEH. TAK SEMPURNA hari dia kalau dia tak menipu. Itu yang asyik2 nak menipu je, macam ketagih. Itu yang buat aku rasa MUSYKIL.... betul2 confuse...ada jugak manusia macam ni dalam dunia modern kita serba canggih sekarang ni... sedih!!!

Nak masuk setahun lebih aku tak bergaul dengan dia.

Tetiba last week, aku terdengar khabar dari seorang kawan yang dia ni dah kawin lain.

Last week jugak aku dengar khabar yang sama dari budak kemaman sendiri pasal dia... dah kawin jugak... WOW!! terkejut babe!!!

Apa agaknye cerita bini tua dia. Anak 3 dah, mana agaknya pegi nya bini tua dia.

Bila pikir kan pasal pompuan, kesian betul. Habis madu, sepah dibuang. Sabar je la wahai wanita!!!

Lain kali nak pilih pasangan hidup, tak payah lah cari yang handsome. Rupa paras tu tak menjanjikan kehidupan bahagia. Rupa buruk pun tak pe, yang penting adalah perangai nya.... kesian la isteri tua dia ni...

Lelaki memang tak kuat iman. Kesetiaan lelaki memang susah nak di menangi especially kalau kita terlalu dependent pada dia. Sebab tu aku prefer ada kerja, ada gaji, so kita tak bergantung pada dia 100%. Bahaya!

Kalau jadi bende camni, susah hidup kalau kita tak de kerja.

Jadikan la peristiwa ini satu pengajaran bagi kita kaum wanita & ibu2.

LOVE YOURSELF... LOOK BEAUTIFUL.. ALWAYS MAKE YOUR MAN ENVY YOU.

Tapi kalau itu pun tak jalan jugak.... bila dia buat perangai, make sure you let him go.

Start a new life somewhere. You will be better off without him. But to do that, you need steady INCOME.

KAWAN oh KAWAN

Aku ni memang tak ramai kawan. Kawan pun dengan orang-orang tertentu saja. Bukan memilih sangat, tapi cara aku ni lain sikit. Aku tak suka menipu, especially kawan rapat. So, aku rather tell the truth daripada beritahu kawan2 aku apa yang dia nak dengar. Jadi, tak ramai la budak2 perempuan melayu, especially, yang sanggup jadi kawan aku.

Yang rapat pun dengan aku, dari college sampai sekarang pun ada, dah masuk belasan tahun. That's what I call TRUE FRIENDSHIP. Kami saling sayang menyayangi, kami jarang bergaduh, tak ambik hati pun kalau bergaduh, saling bertukar2 pendapat, semua bende dalam dunia ni kalau nak bercerita, semua keluar dan kami tak rasa apa2 pun. For my closest buddy, you know I am talking about you, I love you!

Salah satu sebab aku malas nak berkawan rapat dengan budak melayu perempuan ni sebab sifat "untrue" to themselves terlalu banyak sangat. They all banyak "pretend" to be your friend.

They all tak leh terima kalau kita ni dapat gaji lebih ke, dapat beli rumah besar sikit dari dia ke, kita ada condo kat KL as investment, they all tak leh terima. Diaorang cemburu. Cemburu yang teramat sangat, tapi they all tak tunjuk depan kita. Sedar2, ada je bende tak baik kita dengar dari orang lain, yang kita rasa kawan kita sendiri yang mengata.

Sedih betul!.

Berbeza dengan pengalaman aku berkawan dengan Europeans masa aku belajar kat UK dulu. Aku rapat dengan sorang British girl, Allison Parsons dan sorang French Girl - Marie Loure Souriau & of course my best friend Ellie duduk kat Wright Robinson Hall.

Allison dgn Marie memang true to themselves. They all kalau berkawan dengan kita, memang dia akan tunjuk true colour they all, jadi kita tak de lah nak meneka-neka. Kalau they all tak suka, they all cakap tak suka. They all tak de la nak bagi tau apa yang kita nak dengar. Kalau they all nak tegur something, atau nak bagi tahu something yg akan menyakitkan hati, they all akan explain sampai kita paham, they all akan pujuk la, lebih kurang, dan siap buktikan kenapa they all cakap macam tu.

Mula-mula tu terasa jugak, tapi lama-kelamaan aku jadi macam they all, LOVE YOURSELF and BE WHO YOU ARE.

Lama jugak aku nak rapat dengan they all, but lama2 we became very close, sebab paham masing2 punye rentak. Allison ramai kawan lelaki. Aku pun macam terikut2 macam dia. Marie plak tak de kawan sangat, sebab French ni memang sombong sikit, tapi aku ok je berkawan dengan dia. Simple and easy. Tak banyak sakit hati, tak banyak berlakon.

Sampai ke hari ini, aku masih keep in touch dengan they all, either Facebook or emails. Itu sejauh mana keikhlasan persahabatan kami.

Jauh beza dengan perempuan melayu.

Aku fed up nak berkawan dengan perempuan melayu. Aku pindah Kuantan from KL since 8 years ago, aku cari kawan. Sampai sekarang, ada sorang dua je yang aku contact, itupun kawan yang betul2 ikhlas nak berkawan. Kawan yang tak makan aku balik. Yang lain semua hancuss! Tak leh pakai.

• Ada yang berkawan dengan aku sebab duit. Bila aku tak de duit, dia lari, cari mangsa lain. Bila tengok muka aku, dia start bukak cerita sedih, anak tak makan la etc etc.. pas tu direct cakap nak pinjam duit. Yang aku ni kasi la, kesian punye pasal. Tapi sampai le ni, satu sen pun tak bayar balik.
• Ada yang berkawan dengan aku sebab nak suruh aku hantar dia pegi balik kerja, naik kereta aku, macam kereta aku ni teksi. Duit minyak tak pernah bagi.
• Ada yang berkawan dengan aku sebab aku ni ada kereta sendiri, kalau nak keluar mana-mana, aku kene gi ambik dia kat rumah, balik hantar dia kat rumah. Suami ada, tapi segan nak mintak tolong suami. Apa yang dia nak sorok, aku pun tak tahu.
• Ada yang berkawan dengan aku sebab bisnes. Yang ni memang aku paham.. tapi takkan bisnes je babe! Talipon aku, tanya pasal product (ni yang suka join Multi Level punye geng), product ada lagi ke tak, bila nak order baru, pakai lagi ke tak product dia. Aku tak kisah, tapi melampau-lampau sangat la....
• Ada yang berkawan dengan aku sebab nak suruh aku hantar anak aku, suruh mak dia jaga, mintak RM350 sebulan duit untuk mak dia sebab jaga anak aku masa kecik dulu. Punye lah mahal, tapi sebab kawan, aku pun bagi je la, tengok2 termakan diri sendiri. Dia makan aku balik!
• Ada plak yang berkawan dengan aku ni semata-mata nak tengok aku ni kaya mana. Kalau kaya dari dia, ok dia berkawan lagi dengan aku, kalau kayap dari dia, pandang serong plak kat aku.
• Ada yang berkawan dengan aku sebab sibuk nak tunjuk anak-anak dia kecik 2-3 bulan dah pakai baju Osh Kosh, Kasut Nike Baby, Adidas. Siap bawak beg shopping Osh Kosh / Nike lagi bila datang jumpa aku, konon nak tunjuk la yg dia baru lepas shopping.
• Tak kurang plak yang sibuk nak jadi mentor aku, ajar aku cara nak mendidik anak dengan betul. Padahal anak dia yang perangai teruk kat sekolah. Habis dengan anak, sibuk plak ajar aku cara nak menjaga suami. Macam2 hal!
• Ada yang mula-mula jumpa dengan aku, terus cakap yang anak-anak didikan dia kat Sekolah Tadika Kemas semua pandai membaca, kalau anak aku tak pandai membaca bila umur dia masuk 6 tahun, hantar kat dia. Dia cakap anak-anak orang elit yang selalu tak pandai sangat. Selamba je kutuk aku, kutuk anak aku.
• Ada yang berkawan dengan aku sebab aku ni ramai contact. Nak tolong carikan kerja. Bila dah dapat kerja, terus senyap, terima kasih pun tak de.
• Tak lupa juga yang mencuri. Bila aku pindah rumah, barang2 aku letak kat rumah dia, bila aku balik dlm seminggu nak punggah, tengok2 dia dah pindah, entah ke mana. Aku cari dia kat tempat kerja, dia tak keluar2 dari opis. Habis barang2 aku dia curi, TV, Hi-Fi aku, baju2 aku, album masa aku kat UK dulu(sayu betul), digital camera, underwear aku pun dia kebas. Satu bende aku tak dapat balik, sampai ke hari ini. Aku takkan maafkan dia. Besok dia mati, dia kene cari aku!

Mana tak aku fed-up?

Mana perginya keikhlasan? Honesty sebagai seorang kawan?

Why cant we be like men? Tak payah nak judge orang, tak pikir banyak. Tak cerita bende2 karut. Duduk minum teh tarik, cerita pasal bola, cerita pasal bisnes, cerita pasal kerja. Bende2 yang tak memeningkan kepala?

Sekarang aku stick to the old fashion way, cari yang mana berkenan di hati sahaja. Banyak kawan2 aku guys. Senang. Tak banyak kerenah. Straight to the point.

Jadilah aku orang yang kedekut berkawan.

Nak buat cane?

Kene la berjaga-jaga

sebelum terkena,

buat seribu kalinya!!!!

ANOTHER PAIN CAUSED by DAD

Last Raya, in September last year, I went back home in Muar for raya holidays. That's normal for me, it's either Kelantan first or Muar first, we go back to both Kampung.

So, last year it was Kelantan first. It was damn boring, coz my in laws dont really celebrate raya like we all do. So we spent only 2 raya days in Kelantan, on the third day we went back to Muar.

Part of the things I saw in the old house that my Dad lives with her so-called "new" wife is quite depressing. The condition of the house is deteriorating, and it looked very sad.

Deep in my heart, I felt like I wanted to help him, despite of my feelings of hate towards him for my entire life. After all, like Mother used to say, He is still my Dad.

So I had a talk with Dad. I told him that I wanted to invest some money, I wanted to repair the house, and I am going to do it next year, I said, which means this year 2010, right before raya.

I estimated the cost wont be that much, since me and hubby have done some renovation for our new house, so we figured that it wont be costly.

After my raya holidays ended, we went back home Kuantan.

2 days later, my sister called me from Kampung (she is staying near my Dad's house in Kampung) and said that Dad have already engaged a contractor he found somewhere (no one knows, coz he never tells anybody about anything), and the "tukang" have already started working.

I was so shocked!!! I was speechless.

My sister asked me whether Dad have talked and discuss with me about it, I said No, because he did not.

Sister also mentioned that our new stepmother asked Dad to talk and consult with me first before renovating, but Dad refused.

So I told my sister, never mind, lets see what he does.

After about a week or 2, my sister has been consistently updating me with the renovation etc, Dad called me up one night, and guess what!! He asked me for money. He said he has done the renovation and now that I owe him the money. The conversation was never friendly between me and him, he never asked me about my pregnancy or my son or my husband's well being, he is always straight to the point and it's like a stabbing right on my heart every time we talk. I told him I will think about it.

So me and hubby decided we want to go back to Kampung first to see what he had done to the house.

So we did in end of December last year, during long school holidays.

We didnt comment much about the house, we didnt even talk about any if it. We observed. After 2 days staying with him, I decided to go back.

So we packed our things, and we left for KL, we stayed over at our condo in Damansara Perdana for 2 nights. Noah had a blast swimming around and playing in the Podium and we were happier.

It was a big relief staying away from Dad. Funny huh! but that's how I feel around him, suffocated, sick to my stomach and talking to him seems like a battle everytime. So I rather not face him.

Hubby asked me what it cost to Dad, with the renovation and all. I told him the amount that Dad asked from me. After some discussion that makes a lot of senses (eg. Dad didnt inform me about the renovation), we decided to leave the matter alone. It's not my fault that I will not pay him. To me it was more like a "set-up". He set me up.

Few days ago, I felt restless again, one thing about the house renovation issue keeps popping into mind is - " I tried my best to love him, to respect him... but he himself always sabotaged them.."

Am I guilty as a child?

Am I gulity to hate him this much? Then I pity him too, looking at him 85 years old and never talks about death at all? Pity at him who is "so afraid" of dying? Why cant I have a normal Dad, Dad who loves us and happy for us?? Why is our Dad so DIFFERENT?

My sister told me last week that she remembered Dad once mentioned during his wedding to his latest wife that he promised to bring her to UMRAH in holy land, at least once. Sister said, that's why he is always been very "money-minded". I quickly told her that it's Dad's promise to her, not us. So whatever that is going to be, he has to answer for it. Sister said that's probably one of the reason why he kept pastering me for money. To me it was EGO and cruelty.

Our beloved arwah Sham (my eldest brother) who was lost at sea in duty, he was married and his wife was pregnant with Shammim (his only son) at 8 months when the sad incident happen.

After 3 years, Sham's wife, habsah married another guy, and they live quite happily. Dad always asked Rahim (another brother of mine who is his donkey / mule) to go to Habsah's house, wanting Shammim to get to know him as the grandfather. I dont know what happened during all the visits, because I was never invited.

Shammim have already turned 20 this year. Last year, he managed to find out that his dad right now is not his own, therefore he set up a quest of finding his own dad, and he succeeded.

He came to Dad's house one time with his friend, and it was like a family re-union. A grand-son finally met his Grand-father.

After that meeting, Dad said he tried to contact Shammim again on his mobile, but it was not in service anymore.

He made a big fuss about it, to my sister and Rahim, to everybody!

I just kept quite, I didnt comment anything.

Guess Dad's secrets are not safe with me.

My sister was puzzled, and I told her all about what happened. It's all because of DAD & MONEY relationship.

When Sham was Missing in action or died during duty, his wife and his children get some compensation money. For Habsah, as the wife, she got some amount, not that much but it comes in monthly.

For Shammim, the son, he gets a fund until he is 18 years old. No one else can touch the money except for his mother and him.

Little that Shammim know that his Grand-Father demanded the money from his mother. So she left with nothing, to raise the child and to feed him on her own.

Lucky enough, she has her own job, teaching in Secondary School.

Habsah once told me, I was 16 at the time, Dad told her : "aku yang besarkan Sham, aku yang bagi dia makan dari kecik sampai besar, jadi aku ada hak atas duit dia.."

Translated : "I am the one who raised Sham, I fed him from small until now, so I have the right to have his money". She was crying when she told me she never thought that our family will be this bad. That was the last time I saw her.

Knowing Habsah is very soft and not a rebel like me, I guess she surrendered at Dad's unreasonable request. She got married to another guy after that and stayed in KL and she never came and visit us at all for many-many years, even until today.

I never got in touch with her. I really want to, if given a chance. I would want to tell her that I am on her side and I understand her. It's embarassing but I guess that's how I feel. Feelings cannot lie.

Money has always been Dad's center of attention. Since I was young, the issue will always be that. And that is also the reasons why people around Dad dont like him very much.

Guess Allah knows better.

SHOPPING FOR BABY GEARS

I have started listing for baby gears & equipment since last month. This month I have started some shopping and surveying for some of the baby gears. But unfortunately I cant get it in Kuantan. It looks like I have to settle for basic things for now and maybe if I have the time and energy, I will shop in KL too. I am now closing to 6 months pregnant in 2 weeks time, and my gynie advised me to do all the heavy work now, that once I enter 24 weeks (6 months), I will not be that mobile anymore. I can feel that right now.

First thing in my list was a Baby Cot. What in my list was a Co-Sleeper (also serves as baby cot during the day, but more handy at night). A few baby shops I walked in dont even know what Co-Sleeper is, some of them looked like they never heard it before. So I had to explain it to them what I want. A Co-Sleeper is a baby cot, but the bedding can be elevated high or low, so when at night, we can attach the cot to our bed, co-sleeper comes with the hooks and gadgets for the attaching part, so the baby can sleep right next to us, without having to share the same bed as us. It's really handy especially for night time feeding etc.

I couldnt find it here, so I just settled for the ordinary baby cot, white color and maybe I have to do the attaching to my bed myself, maybe I have to put some strings around it or what.

Second thing in my list is Baby Carrier & Baby Stroller. Price for these strollers a mount high. DEpending on the brands, Combi, Graco, My Dear etc, I think I would settle for something that is not too pricy and not too big when I fold them, otherwise it wont fit into the trunk on my car!!

I have found one unit, and it's not that expensive, but maybe I will be looking for separate buy, carrier and stroller, depending on the cost. Otherwise I will just settle for baby Stroller and Carrier in one package.

The next item on my list will be Baby Changing Tray. In Ikea Mutiara Damasara, I saw one that is not that expensive, but quite bulky. The changing tray is on top, and below, there are few stacks with doors. The colour is bright Red and Dark Blue only. Price is around Rm400 only. I guess it's a good buy.

Once I have done shopping for the big items, I will start collecting the small items and of course baby clothing as well. This can be done later in a month or so.

My God, I am feeling very happy and energetic right now!...

Thanks for the 20% expansion of the blood circulation in my body!! Pregnancy is beautiful!!!

METROPOLITAN SQUARE- Condo For Rent

I am renting out my apartment in Metropolitan Square in Damansara Perdana, PJ.

It's only 5 minutes walk to The Curve, Ikea & Tesco.

Easy access to TTDI, Damansara, Shah Alam & KL. All highways are linked and take only minutes.

Check out the establishment below :

1. Baby Pool (below,left) & The Glass Edged Pool (below,right) is right underneath our unit, in Block F. Just take the lift down to Podium, and these pools will be the first thing you see when the lift opens.

2. There are 3 more swimming pools to choose from. This is the view from our unit's Balcony.

3. Also there is Private Jacuzzi (above, left) and of course the playground for kids.

Our Unit is in Block F, on 13th floor, a corner unit with 2 balconies. One balcony facing the pool and the the other facing the hill.

Unit Area : 1245 sqft

Rooms : 3 + 1 room, (All 3 rooms are air-conditioned) & 2 bathrooms (both baths  with water heaters).

Rental of the unit comes with some furnishings : Sofa set with coffee table, and a TV in the living area, a 2-door-fridge in the kitchen. & ligthing for the bedrooms. kitchen cabinets, washing machine, LCD TV etc.

Rental is : RM2,500.00 per month (negotiable).

Unit is occupied at the moment, tenancy agreement expiring in January 2013. 

Those interested, please leave their contact details here in my blog or email me at liabakar@gmail.com for viewing appointment etc.

PERBUALAN PERKAUMAN DI FACEBOOK

I received this email from a friend yesterday :

Memang tak dinafikan berbaur perkauman. Member dia Liang Chua ni memang kurang ajar. Mesti dia tak tau pakai facebook, kalau ye pun nak sebut bende2 sensitive ni, set la dulu privacy setting. Atau memang dia sengaja nak kena.

Saya orang melayu. Apa saya nak kata ni memang ada orang melayu takkan suka. Kita ni melayu kadang2 memang OVER sensitive. It's our nature. Bila Kalimah Allah nak diguna pakai oleh akhbar luar, kita mengamuk tak tentu hala. Bakar sana, bakar sini, riot sana, riot sini. Memang nampak sangat bangsa kita memang sensitive. But what to do, saya pun orang Melayu jugak.

Bila note dalam facebook ni keluar, nak cari si Ong Siang Ying yang belajar kat Universiti Malaysia Terengganu, nak buat apa, saya tak tahu... tapi kalau kita tengok betul2, bukan dia yang buat komen macam tu, kawan dia, Si Liang Chua yang cakap buruk pasal kita orang melayu. Jadi, secara sekali lalu, kalau kita pikir secara rational, nak buat apa cari gaduh dengan orang yang tak bersalah? Betul tak? Cari la si Liang Chua dan hentam dia cukup2.... Itu baru betul.

Bende2 dan komen2 macam ni biasa kita dengar. Mana2 pun kita akan dengar, cuma secara lantang atau secara senyap, semua kita boleh tahu RACISM ni memang ada di mana-mana.

So guys, dont be too sensitive about it. What we should ask ourselves, what does our Government want to do about it?

DEB itself sudah berbau perkauman. Semua Dasar2 ni memang nampak cover and favour orang Melayu. So , bila chinese atau India nampak bende2 macam ni di reinforce dalam Malaysia, they all jealous. They all start melenting. What about us? Are we not Malaysians too?

Bagi saya bende ni tak sepatutnya dibuat cara macam tu. DEB tu patutnya buat secara slow2, not too direct. Ini tidak, di bentang bulat2... terang-terangan protect orang Melayu & neglect bangsa lain di Malaysia.

Apa-apa pun, gomen memainkan peranan besar dalam issue perkauman ni. Memang tak leh lari.

Golongan minority ni memang takkan puas hati. Dulu IPTA utk orang Melayu, sekarang slow2 they all fight, ada qouta utk bangsa lain. Dulu MRSM adalah solely untuk anak2 melayu yang pandai2... yang tak berapa mampu utk lanjut pelajaran (saya pun budak MRSM jugak tahun 90an dulu), sekarang kene ada qouta utk bangsa lain.

So MRSM tak boleh la nanyi lagu "ANAK KECIL MAIN API" lagi kot...agaknya...sebab lagu tu kalau we all malays dengar, memang sayu... lagu tu memang utk bangsa kita, melayu..bakar semangat org melayu utk terus berjaya..

Dulu, anak2 cina yang pandai, semua end up tak ke mana, sebab they all tak de duit utk lanjutkan pelajaran. Sebab tu they all cari lubang, habis je sekolah menengah, belajar meniaga 2-3 tahun, lepas tu bukak bisnes. Sebab tu ekonomi di Malaysia ni they all pegang. Sekarang, anak2 cina kebanyakannya belajar di kolej2 swasta. Mak bapak they all dah ada duit. Tapi kalau tengok they all ni belajar, memang very bright, straight A je kebanyakannya. Sungguh2 belajar - sebab mak bapak punye duit ma...mesti mau belajar betul2.

Jarang ada yang fail, kalau ada pun, they all jarang resit paper. Mak bapak they all hantar kursus gunting rambut ke, kerja workshop dengan sedara / kawan they all ke, kerja. Cari pengalaman...bila dah ok, bukak saloon atau workshop sendiri.

Orang melayu kita plak, result dah nyaris2 nyawa ikan, still dapat masuk U sebab gomen protect. Lagipun qouta utk melayu tinggi, so those yang result tak berapa elok pun masuk U. Sori cakap la...tapi memang betul kan?

Bila dah masuk U, belajar main2. Yang lelaki start mengurat sana-sini, ada yang tak segan-siap buat video lucah lagi, jual kat orang lain. Banyak video lucah budak2 U yang ada di pasaran. Pakai tudung lagi... malu la wei!

Yang pompuan pun start main2 mata, maklumla ..jauh dari mak bapak..sesekali dapat keluar dari sangkar la katakan... so bermula lah era yang tak senonoh .... Merempit, Pelacuran etc.

Yang budak2 cina pulak banyak case Ecstacy. Pill Ecstacy ni bukannya murah. Zaman dulu-dulu, sebijik dalam RM50 camtu. Budak2 melayu tak de duit nak beli pill ni, jadi banyak budak cina yang goyang kepala, minum2 sebab minum arak tu normal utk agama diaorang.

Sama-sama enjoy jadi teenager, masing2 dengan cara tersendiri.

Tapi bila time exam, selalu orang melayu kita terkebelakang. Especially budak lelaki melayu. Best student kebanyakannya perempuan & bangsa Cina atau India mesti ada di kalangan best student. Agaknya perempuan melayu ni kurang enjoy kot. Budak lelaki melayu enjoy terlebih-lebih sampai pelajaran pun tergadai. Pendek kata, orang melayu kita pass exam tapi QUALITY tu tak berapa elok.

Bila Grad, melambak budak2 melayu tak de kerja. Budak2 cina senang je cari kerja, sebab ekonomi banyak they all yang pegang, so senang la nak dapat interview. Lagi satu sebab, budak2 cina tak kekok cakap English di rumah. Kadang2 English diguna pakai di rumah sebab mak bapak they all educated. Jadi bila pegi interview, tak de la kekok.

Budak melayu bila pegi interview (nak-nak yang dari Terengganu Kelantan), mostly fail. Result "on Paper" subject English score, tapi bila suruh bercakap .. terus "OUT". Tak reti nak cakap langsung. Ramai dah jadi camtu. Jadi they all ni lebih selesa kalau cari kerja di negeri masing2. Tak de rasa nak "challenge themselves" and be out there in the "real job market".

Chinese are known as survivors. Kenyataan nya memang begitu - U letak lah orang cina di mana-mana, they all boleh survive. Saya study kat Manchester, England dulu, siap ada China Town lagi kat tengah-tengah bandar Manchester tu. They all jual kicap, buah2 pear cina, herba2 cina, pakaian2...sampai Maggie dari Malaysia pun kalau nak cari ada kat sana. Just imagine. Mana-mana, New York, Canada, even Paris pun (tahun lepas in November saya bercuti di Paris, ada Chinatown but saya tak sempat nak pergi). Pendek kata, mana-mana they all ada. They can survive, they will gather their community dan kumpul sama-sama, walaupun di negara orang, dan they all survive, together.

Tapi tengok bangsa kita, susah...memang la susah. Dengki mendengki tu sifat orang Melayu. Kata-mengata, accessories orang Melayu.

Orang Kelantan sendiri tak suka orang negeri lain, padahal sesama melayu... macam mana ni? Orang Terengganu dengan Kelantan pun tak ngam. Sama-sama melayu tu...

Bila ada orang melayu yang bukak bisnes, jadi CEO ke (pangkat besar la), selalu ketepikan orang melayu. Mereka lagi percayakan kaum Cina sebab kaum cina ni pandai cari lubang bisnes, apa-apa semua nak bisnes, menjadikan orang melayu ni kaya raya. Orang melayu lain yang jadi staff they all semua putih mata, diketepikan, tak di endahkan.

Sampai masa, bila orang cina dah pandai buat bisnes, dah kaya, dah banyak contact, dia akan singkirkan sapa2 orang melayu yang di atas tu, senang - macam lalat kene halau.

Banyak yang terjadi macam tu.

Bagi saya - jawapannya senang aje.

1. Orang Cina memang "opportunist". They all akan REBUT peluang, jika diberikan. Jadi, jangan la bagi they all ni "PELUANG" tu. Contoh, kalau kita bukak kedai, jangan sesekali hire orang cina sebagai partner. Sebagai staff tak apa. Kalau partner - NO. Sebab satu hari nanti they all akan singkirkan kita, dan akan replace dengan orang dia. Baik2 bisnes kita ni melayu, terus jadi status bukan melayu.
2. Orang Cina senang "blend in". They all ketepikan hal-hal kecik. Kita Melayu susah nak "blend in". Sebab kita kurang "open" dari segi pemikiran. Orang Melayu berfikiran sempit, teramat sempit. Kita selalu ambil kira bende-bende kecil yang remeh temeh. We fail to see the "BIG PICTURE". Contoh - sekolah-sekolah sibuk buat rule- budak2 melayu perempuan pegi sekolah kene pakai baju kurung, WAJIB pakai tudung. Apa yang bende tu boleh buat utk budak2 melayu kita? Adakah pakai tudung tu boleh menyebabkan budak2 kita jadi baik di sekolah? Tak jugak. Masalah disiplin, makin teruk lagi adalah, compare dengan saya dulu pakai PINAPHORE (skirt, yang budak cina pakai sekarang). Bende tu remeh.

Bagi saya, bende yang patut sekolah2 tengok adalah "Quality" of education yg they all bagi. Access all the teachers, evaluate semua segi. Set meeting dengan mak bapak once a week. Tengok cikgu2 sekolah ada "passion" ke tak utk mengajar anak2 kita. Atau setakat nak gaji bulan je.

"Pandai ke tak pandai, pegi mampus la. Bukan anak aku"- saya pernah terdengar seorang cikgu sekolah rendah cakap macam tu.

Saya takut satu hari kita jadi macam Palestine. Palestine satu negara kecil, anak2 jati Palestine semuanya berbangsa Arab dan beragama Islam. Tapi kenapa kene tindas macam sekarang ni, dan negara-negara Arab yang keliling negara dia- Iraq, Iran, Jordan, Yaman, Saudi, even Mesir tak nak bantu they all?

Bukan ke sesama Arab? Bukan ke sesama Islam?

Pikir-pikir kan la...Kita Melayu kene sayang sesama kita. Jangan berbalah-balah... tak menguntungkan sesapa pun. Bangsa kita akan pupus satu hari nanti kalau kita tidak tukar pikiran kita.

IT"S A BOY!!!

I just got back from Kuantan Specialist Hospital a moment ago. My dearest gynie, Dato' Goh scanned my tummy as usual, and joked that he owed me the sex of the baby. After a few minutes scanning, and turning to the left side to see the sex, he said it's most probably a boy. There's a tiny white dot on the scanner monitor in between the baby's legs, and he said if it's a girl, there should not be any. He said he will need to confirm again next month. But my heart already jolted with unimaginable joy.

This is Noah when he was around 5 months old. Mummy love you, Noah Boy.

My heart is singing today. I am going to have another boy. What a bless that is. Actually I dont really mind either sex, as long as I get to hold the baby, love him unconditionally and watch him grow to be a good human being, be it girl or boy, it's the same to me. I am blessed and grateful to God for giving me the opportunity to have children and experience Motherhood. I would trade everything else in the world for my family. I love them with all my heart and soul.

Next month I can start planning for the nursery, and shopping for the baby will be really fun. I cant wait. But we are short of cash next month because I have started paying for my condo and it's due for rental. I do hope my agent can get a tenant soon, so my financial burden is lightened.

Anyhow, I am happy! It's a boy! My Noah will be the happiest I guess because he wants a baby boy too, so he can play Transformers and Hot Wheels Cars with his baby brother. I guess my 6 year old Noah's prayers have been answered by God the Almighty.

Thank You Allah for all the blessing.

LIBIDO

I am entering 21 weeks already. Yesterday I was alarmed a little bit because I have not felt the baby kicking. So I did some test on my own. I lied down on the sofa, after having nice dinner, and I waited for 2 hours. I felt the fluttering. Oh yes! Thank god the baby is kicking.

Today I am thinking of going to my gynie after 2pm to check on the health of my baby.

The thought of having a new baby takes me back to Mother. I missed Mother so much. She passed away many years back. She must have been happy to see me now.

The thought of Mother makes me want to cry sometimes. What hell she might have went through to carry us in her belly, without Dad caring about her, busy with fulfilling the older wife's needs etc. What a cruel place to be when you are pregnant with the guy's baby, and that uncaring guy is indeed my own Dad. He lives till today, he is already 85 years old.

And the thought of having delivered the baby, and then being taken away from you is beyond inhumane. Dad did that to Mother. That was so cruel and unforgiven. Mother had 4, 2 boys (Rahim and Sham) and 2 girls (me and Zai).

Rahim was taken away from Mother since after her confinement. I was taken from her since I was 6 years old. Zai was taken from her too, but she was slightly older , maybe around 12 or 13 years age. Sham tried to stay with Mak Wa (Dad's older / other wife), but he didnt like it. So he was sent back to Mother's care, but he was already finishing high school at that time.

So I was the one that had to go through all the cruelty and abuse at a very tender age of 6. Zai escaped most of it, being the youngest and the longest staying with Mother.

A lot of people say to me, it's not good for the baby's emotion if I keep thinking about sad things while I am like this. But the thoughts of those really flooded my mind. I even found myself talking to Mother in my sleeps, for a few nights and it's really scary.

I even had a vivid dream few days ago. I was talking to Mother, about my baby, and Mother said I dont have to worry coz I have a "guardian" and the baby does too. My Guardian is around 12 years old and the baby's one will be there once she arrives. I got scared, woke up, I saw the clock beside my bed says 5:13am. I toss and turn, but I couldnt sleep back. It was so real and scary.

Going Down the Polygamy Road........pt 1

THE BEGINNING OF IT ALL

I was 7. It was time for us to start schooling. My mother bought me some new cloth to sew to make my schooling attire. She sewed it herself, using some other uniforms she borrowed from her neighbour. I was happy...happy like a clam.

While sewing my uniform which takes weeks, Mother said I need to start studying, be a good person, excel in my studies so I dont end up like her. Little did I know what those words really mean, coz she said it with a genuine smile on her face. Anyway I was just a child. Adult metaphores are too complicated for my brain at that time.

Another 2 days to start schooling. I cant wait.

Then came my dad. He drove all the way from the city to my mother's kampung house which takes around 30 minutes drive. He does it all the time. I see my dad's face twice a week at most. He will spend a few nights here, then off he goes to the city again. What I only know about the city house that he goes to is, there's a fierce woman who I call "Mak Wa". My mother doesnt like her, so did I. I am more happier staying with my mother. She loves me like no one in the world will.

On that day, I heard my dad talking to my mom about my schooling. He said that I can no longer stay at my mother's, I have to stay at the city house with Mak Wa. He already registered the school for me. My mother cried and asked him to consider, but my father shut her off.

He packed my stuff, some clothes and shoes, and he even took the half ready uniform that my mother sewed for me and said that Mak Wa can finish it off faster than her. As we drove off, I was crying quietly in the car, not knowing what will wait for me in the city house. My dad told me to wipe off my tears so Mak Wa couldnt see that I cried. So I did, scared and confused.

I keep asking myself, why they take me away? Why cant I stay with my mother? Why my dad did not take my younger sister (she is 3 years old at that time)? Why me??

But no one could answer me, coz I screamed & cried loudly inside my head. The only thing that shows was tears running down my cheek, and I kept wiping them away...

First day of school.

I was dressed in a dark blue pinaphore, with new shoes and school bag. Mak Wa got a tricycle (beca) and off we go to my school. I had no idea where it was. It's quite a distance coz the beca took forever to get there. We didnt speak to each other along the way. Mak Wa didnt like me much, I guess that's why we didnt speak.

We arrived at the school compound. I stepped off from the tricycle, Mak Wa handed me my bag and off I went. I went to the pool of new students in front of me, stood there, not knowing what to do. When I turned around to find Mak Wa, she is already gone. So is the tricycle.

I stood there until someone called out my name. Then I followed her. The nice lady who shouted my name asked where my parents were, I just shook my head.

Loud bell rang. It was break time. I saw some parents buy some bowls of noodles for their children. For those whose parents have gone back, they queued and handed over the "noodle man" some coins and the "noodle man" happily handed them the bowls. My stomach was rumbling. I need to get the noodles too. I searched in my bag for any coins, but there's none.

So I sat there by the bench looking at other kids slurrping away. The nice lady who shouted my name earlier came behind me and asked whether I do pack any drinks with me, I shook my head again. She held out her hand to me, I grabbed her hand and she brought me to the noodle man and paid for me. I was so happy. I said thank you. She said I should tell whoever that is caring for me to give some money and pack water for me everyday for school.

Little did i know that the "nice lady" will soon be my class teacher and she will be watching and caring for me for the rest of my primary school years. Her name is Puan Rashidah.

For many months after that very bitter first day of school, I went to school with a packed leftover food, and plain water. No money was given to me. The leftovers sometimes get smelly and fouled by recess time, at least I had water left for me to drink.

The tricycle which send me and took me from school became a burden to Mak Wa, so she did managed to talk to my dad to buy me a bicycle. So I will stop bothering her anymore with logistic issue. At the age of 8, I was summoned to cycle to school.

At the city house, I get to see mother twice a week. She will take a bus and drop by to see me and my brother. I didnt even know that Rahim was my blood brother until I came to the city house and mother told me about it. Mother said Rahim was sent to the city house right after her confinement. At that time, she already had me in her belly. That explains Rahim and myself is only 1 year apart. No wonder I never see his face before. But Rahim doesnt have that much of love for mother, but I do. Everytime mother sees me, she asked me about school, what I studied. She asked me about how I am doing. I felt relief whenever she came. I always poured my heart out to her. Unlike Mak Wa who never took any interest in my schooling or me.

The most dreading part was to see her going away on the bus because sometimes she came by and refused to sleep over. She came in the morning, then go back to her house in the late afternoon. I know she resented Mak Wa. I also noticed that Mak Wa will dissappear everytime mother came over to visit us. Mak Wa will go to neighbour's house and spend hours until mother goes home, then Mak Wa will finally step into the house. It was wierd for me. But I never asked.

THE CITY HOUSE

The city house which accomodate Mak Wa, myself, Rahim , Sham & Abang Din seems to be very small. As time passed by, we get used to it. Sham is also my blood brother, so as my mother said. He does love mother as I do, but he doesnt like to show it. Mother understands why. Sham is actually my eldest brother, came to stay with Mak Wa when he is already going to Secondary School. So Sham used to grow up and being taken care by mother. I can see the longing of love whenever mother kisses him, but as a grown boy, he chose to keep it to himself.

Abang Din is alot older than us. In fact he already left school and entering his adulthood. He still stayed with Mak Wa. For whatever reason, I dont know. Later I found out from my dad that Abang Din is actually my cousin brother, who is taken from his parents by Mak Wa and Dad to be theirs.

I am the only girl in the house.

Mak Wa loves to watch TV, so she puts her bed in the living room, right in front of the TV. There's only 1 room in the city house. That's where Mak Wa puts all our clothes and things. There's a bed inside the room but that bed was to be used by guests only. I slept on the thin mattress in the living hall.

Normally, I was asked to sleep right next to Mak Wa's bed, on the thin mattress on the floor of course, so it's easy for me to rub her foot while she is watching TV.

The other reason she puts me right beside her bed is easy access for morning wake up. She would use rattan (rotan) and hit me to wake me up, or sometimes she pretended like she's rushing out of bed and accidentally stepped on my feet or hand or sometimes my hair, so when I feel the pain, I would wake up. Quite a mean way to wake people up but yes, she was mean to me. And me only.

There's an attic in the city house. Sham studies and sleeps there. So is Rahim. The boys get to do their own things in the house, unlike me.

There's somewhat "fixed scheduling" in the city house fixed by Mak Wa. Monday to Friday, I will have to wake up at 5:30am, clean up the house, if there's enough time, I will have to wash 2-3 basins of clothes by my bare hands, hang them on the cloth liners before I go to school.

When I come back from school in the afternoon, I had to cook rice, (Mak Wa normally will cook the dishes only), clean and scrub the bathroom, and then off I go to religous school which starts at 2.30pm every monday to friday and finishes as 4:30pm. For the first few years, I go back home to the city house right after the religous school, and there's always tonnes of house chores waiting for me.

The hot water thermos has to be full all the time. Mak Wa will shake it everytime she wants to make coffee or tea. If it's empty, she will shout at me and the whole neighbourhood will hear her cursing and saying mean things to me like " kalau kau kawin, dah beranak dah... anu kau dah berdarah.... bende macam ni pun kau tak pandai buat..." (translated: If you are married, you would have got children already, your vagina have already bled (menstrual, of course), but simple stuff like this you cant do... " At first, I would just cry. I got hit by rattan the first time I cried. So I did not anymore.

She would look into the room, if the bed sheet isnt tight, she would scream and sometime I got some hitting on my back too. The most painful hitting was when she cursed about my mom " Mak ko tu bodoh, semua bende tak pandai... anak-anak dia aku jaga...beranak banyak-banyak, bapak ko suruh jaga..aku tak ingin nak jaga.." (translated : Your mom is stupid, she doesnt know anything. Her children, I take care. Bear a lot of children, your dad asked me to take care, I dont want to take care of you"

If she said all those things in a whisper, it wont hurt that much, but the whole neighbourhood would hear her. And I felt so embarassed.

Saturday & Sunday is relax day for me. Dad will come home from work. Dad work in an estate in Segamat and will come back home during weekends only. Mak Wa will cook and clean for him, his clothes etc, and after all, these two days are heaven for me because Mak Wa will not curse and shout. At first I felt happy, but as I grow older, I know why she refused me cooking, cleaning, when my dad is around in the house.

Mother would normally come and visit us during the weekdays, and sometimes during the weekend too. If mother comes during the weekend, Mak Wa will dissappear from the house, as usual, and mother will not feel comfortable in the house. Mother would normally chat with dad, and then say good bye to us and off she goes on the bus again. The visit will be very brief, and we didnt get to talk to mother like always. I prefer when she comes during the weekdays, so she would stay and talk to me for hours.

There are reasons why these things happens. As time passes by, I soon learned that Mak Wa is my step mother, and she is married to my Dad first before she married Mother. Mother is younger compared to her. My Dad married mother because Mak Wa refused to bear anymore children after the pain she went through when she gave birth to Kamal, her only child, who is close to 25 years older than us.

Bits and pieces starts forming a pattern as I grow older. At 1o years old, I realized that Mak Wa never loved me. All the beatings and the cursing never stopped, no matter what I did.

I even had a few accidents in the kitchen, and it was blamed on me. I was frying "Cekodok Pisang" (translated: banana puff), the oil in the pan was very hot, and the puff get stuck onto the frying pot. As I tried to turn the puff over, the round pot toppled over and it burned my hand and few fingers. Lucky enough it didnt hit my face or my body. I screamed of pain, Mak Wa rushed into the kitchen and saw the puff all thrown on the floor, she grabbed the rattan and hit me along my back. I ran into the attic and cried sliently in a corner.

Rahim and I were almost same age, I get to play with him sometimes, but I know he is Mak Wa's favourite. One time we were arguing over something, I cant remember what, he pushed me into the metal window frame, and the frame scratched my flesh, right beside my right eye. I was bleeding. Mak Wa heard the screaming, and quickly went over. I told her Rahim pushed me and I bled, Mak Wa took the rattan and swing. I closed my eyes. Suddenly I felt flesh hurting on my back. I got hit! Mak Wa didnt even hit Rahim. Not a single bit!!

Those 2 clear incidents proves to me that Mak Wa never loved me.

So the next question I asked myself : If Mak Wa dont love me, why Dad asked me to stay with her? Why I cant stay with Mother?? WHY???

I have so much questions, but no one could hear me. No one have the answer for me.

AT SCHOOL, AGE 10

I was known in school as a very timid and quiet girl. I dont have that many friends. I felt jealous sometimes that my friends parents send them to school, kiss them, hug them, hand them monies and packed lunch before the morning session starts. The children looked very happy. You can see they have all the support and the love they need from parents.

I dont have all that. I was never happy as a child. I came to school by my own bike, I never get fresh packed lunch, always the leftovers which didnt make it through to recess time, and plain water. Never any money to buy noodles from the noodle man, never any money to buy Asam Boy juice like my other classmates after school. I was thin and pale.

Despite all that quietness in school, I develop some strong will. The will to survive and change my future. The inspiration comes from none other than my class teacher, Puan Rashidah who salvaged me on the first day I step into school.

She cared about me, at first, from a distance. I didnt realize that she has been observing me from far. She asked me to be Head of the Class, I get to be with her often. She also noticed that I have ability to absorb things, and have interest in studies. She was teaching the most difficult subject: Science.

Until one day, i was in the Teacher's room, I overheard another teacher saying to her: Wow.. I am sure Lia(i will not used my full name here) will be very happy...what a lucky kid she is. So when you going to adopt her?

They didnt notice me as I was so quiet like a cat.

It got me thinking, are they talking about me? Is this really happening?

The thought of having to be adopted by the "nice lady" haunts me for days. I fantasize about being away from this shit hole, and get to stay with people who cares about me and will love me like mother does. At least I get my own room, unlike now. At least I dont have to wake up every morning by some pain either being stepped over or rattan beat. I am sure someone out there will save me one day.

I guess my praying to be saved all these years is heard by God. Instead, I was saved by my none other than Mother.

The rumors of Puan Rashidah wanted to adopt me spread to the whole school. Some kids, standard 6 kids (older than me, I was standard 5 at that time) congratulated me for the good news. Some said I was just a pity case. But others sees that I deserved it.

Whatever they think, I didnt care less. I was top 5 of my class and Puan Rashidah signed my report card on behalf on my parents. That sure would make Mother or "nice lady" proud.

One fine day, I was visited by Mother in school. The first and the last visit ever in years. I guess she must have heard the fact that "nice lady" wants to adopt me. Nice Lady and Mother met eye to eye that day. I saw Mother talking to Nice Lady, bit by bit, tears running down her cheek.. I couldnt hear what they were talking about.

Once they have finished talking, Nice Lady asked me whether I want to go back with mother and take the rest of the school day off. I quickly nod, pack my bag and leave with Mother.

Mother took me to her house (the Kampung house). She was talking to me like normal in the bus, and reassure me that she will take care of me and my sister.

I was happy, at least for a few days. I get to play outside the house, playing with my little sister, and some neighbours that I have not seen for many years. Some of them refused to jump into the river with me because they have grown older. But I was like a child, unleashed. I played by the river until late afternoon. Mother called us to take bath and ready for Quran recital after dawn. I was back being a child again, with little care in the world. After all, Mother loves me. That's more important now. I do not have to live in fear ever again. But it was shortlived.

The next day, My Dad came to the house. He was furious. I know Mother would be furious too if she sees him like that. Mother was doing some gardening in our big lawn in front of the house, and Dad went over to her. At first I heard Dad shouting. Later I heard Mother's shouting.

I peeked through the window and tried to hear what the yelling was all about. I know it was about me, but couldnt get any clear word of it. Then I saw Mother holding out a Big Knife, pointing at Dad and shouted. The shouting scared Dad away and he drove off.

For months I have not seen Dad after that incident. Mother sent me to school near our house. I excelled in school, even got 4As for my Penilaian Darjah 5 at that time. The teacher in school asked me to fill up some forms for Boarding School.

Mother was the happiest, and I was happy for a while, with Mother, little Zai in our Kampung house.

MRSM years

I was enrolled in MRSM and it send everybody a shock. Dad was so proud, he spread the news to the whole world. The city house neighbours were asking me, how and when did I study.. most of the time I was in the kitchen, either cleaning or cooking. They never saw me studying.

The Kampung house neigbours congratulated me. Most of my close friends during city house era congratulated me too. I was very happy. My Dad also claimed his portion of proudness by stating clearly to every one in our city neighbourhood that Mak Wa was the one responsible for me excelling in my studies. But looking at their faces, I know they dont believe it. I dont, of course.

In fact at a very young age, I realized that for me to get away from the constant & unnecessary beatings and cramp house, away from Mak Wa and my crazy Dad is Boarding School. I need to study hard to get there, and I did. Mother was the one who is encouraging me to study. She didnt want me to end up like her. She was right. My Dad did not do anything for me.

During MRSM years, I was more mature compared to children of my age. I began developing strong curiousity over things, which reflected over my studies. In that area, I dont have much problems. It's the personal life area that I have some hiccups. I need answers. Answers to my questions that I have been asking, and no one would answer me :

I had a Mother, but why my Dad asked me to stay with my Mak Wa (step mother)?

I had the answer when I came back during one semester break. I was 16 at that time.

I was asked by Dad to stay over at Mak Wa's house for a few days before I go off to Mother's house. I did.

That Maghrib's praying, we all prayed together. It was sorrow all over the house after the news of my brother Sham, who have joined the Marine and he was confirmed & reported lost in duty in Sabah. His wife was bearing a child at 8 months at that time. Everyone was in mourning over his so called "death".

It was a vulnerable time for my Dad. So I seized it. I asked him straight questions right after the Doa we had. I asked " Abah, kenapa kitaorang ni semua Mak Wa yang jaga, kenapa Mak tak jaga?" (Translated: Dad, why does stepmother take care of us all, why not Mother)

I didnt expect to get straight answer, but Dad did answer it.

"Mak ko kawin dengan abah, Mak Wa ko yang pinangkan... jadi, ada buat perjanjian la... untuk balas budi Mak Wa sebab pinangkan abah dengan Mak Ko, anak-anak abah semua Mak Wa la jaga...sebab tu la Mak Wa yang jaga.."

Translated : Your Mother married me, after the engagement set by your stepmother. In oder t say thanks, we made a deal, all my children, your stepmother will take care").

I memorize the exact word, and also the PROUD expression on my Dad's face at that time.

He even said that Mak Wa was never mean to us, we need to thank her for the education, for the care etc. He even said Mother was not really a mother, Mother doesnt know how to take good care of us, educate us.

Those statement was LIES, LIES, LIES. I was speechless and taken aback by my own Dad's statement attacking Mother like that. Why would he condemn Mother like that? I dont understand why.

He was so proud that he married TWO WIVES, he was so proud that his 2 wives looks like they get along with each other. But the fact is, they never were. Everytime I get some beating from Mak Wa, it was merely because she was offended by her or angry at Mother. Instead of going to her, Mak Wa realeased it on me. How can Dad not notice all these?

I was thankful for his honesty but after that I resented him for the rest of my life. In fact until today, I can never forgive him for what he did to Mother.

After that honest answer, alot of things came into me. I started asking Mother openly about how her feelings towards Dad's decision about us. Mother was reluctant to say. She only gave me hints. Hints that makes me puzzled. The hints stayed with me through the years. I became very good at remembering things, just because I do not have answers to it yet.

At 17, I had good grades in SPM and offered by MARA to do A-Levels and study in England. I got a place in University of Manchester doing Chemical Engineering. We were called for briefing in Mara's HQ in Jalan Raja Laut KL. I went there with some friends.

Part of the package of going off to England, MARA gave us some money before hand - it was RM1500.00 for buying clothes and baggage. During the briefing with MARA, we were told to buy winter clothing as it is already entering winter in England the time we reach there. I had no idea where to get the clothing, so I decided to do some shopping with some other close friends of mine at that time. We went around in Pertama Complex in KL, right after the briefing and we managed to get suitcases and very thick sweater which costs almost half of the money given by MARA to us.

After that, I went back home to Johor, to the city house where everybody was waiting for the good news from me. Mother was there too. I was very happy to see Mother. She was so proud of me.

Dad saw the big suitcase I just bought and the shopping bag with winter sweater in it. He asked me where I got the money from, I casually said it was Mara who gave us the money. His eyes were wide open when I mentioned the amount Mara gave to me. I told him what the briefing was all about, what they want us to purchase using the money. I was hoping for some kind of understanding. But instead I got a shouting.

Dad wanted the money. He told mother to get the money from me. He said I dont need all those. Instead of buying those, the money can be used for others to eat and pay bills. So there they were, Mak Wa, Dad and Mother arguing about Mara's money. Mak Wa was siding with Dad, Mother stood up for me. Mother said the money is for my preparation, which Dad could never afford to provide me with, so she took me home to Kampung house that evening.

For the next few days, Mother took me shopping for other small things that I need, based on the list Mara gave me.

Mother mentioned to me about Dad after the Money issue was Dad is becoming like Mak Wa, who is very materialistic. Mother said she never liked their attitude, but she asked me to respect Dad still because he is my Dad. I didnt have the heart to tell Mother but I have lost respect with Dad way before this Money issue. But I just kept quiet. Respect is deserved, not to be forced upon. Dad doesnt deserve our respects, and I have lost it many years ago, and I never got it back.

I was so anxious about flying to England. Mother couldnt wait either. Mother was in tears a few time when I saw her, she said it was tears of proud and joy. She said I will make things better, I will make her proud as a person and as a citizen. She kept telling me not to forget where we came from, who have helped us. She asked me to thank Puan Rashidah for her support, and I did went to my primary school and met her. It was all emotional. There's no way I will forget these people who have inspired me and held their hand out to me when I seek for help.

Mother asked me to take good care of myself and concentrate on my studies.

At the airport, Mak Wa was very quiet. She didnt even want to see me that day. I was busy with briefing by Mara at the airport. Suddenly Dad came to me. He asked me to talk to Mak Wa. He said she was so sad, so she sat outside the building, not wanting to be with everybody else. I quickly rushed to her, coz I have only 10 minutes before they start calling my name to enter the Departure Hall.

I went over, I took her hand and said I am going. She told me " if we cannot meet after this, please recite Surah Yasin for me from far". That's the only thing she said. Little did I know that she is going to die when I was in England studying.

Years later i realized that she cried that day because she felt guilty of not nurturing me and love me as what was entrusted to her by Dad. She regretted hitting me for no reason at all. But as I said, it's all too late for forgiveness. I found out about this from a relative of mine long after Mak Wa died. What was done was all beyond repair. The funny part was I never resented Mak Wa for what she did. I resented Dad for letting this happen.

If Mak Wa was the one who engaged Mother and him during those young years, why sacrifice us, children for his ego? Why separate us from Mother? It's inhumane. Even animals feels love for their babies, not to mention us human. Mother was suffering, but Dad kept ignoring, scolding and cursing.

Mother sometimes doesnt have money to pay electric and water bills because Dad's income is small too. So Mother found a way to generate income. She planted all sorts of vegetables around lawn area and sell it in the market. Dad verbally will attack Mother every chance he had, but Mother was so cool and determined about it.

When I came back from MRSM for term holidays, I would go with Mother, pluck Chillies, pack them in the sack, pack Lemon Grass and whatever vegetables that Mother can sell in the market.

Dad had a car, but he refused to help out. He said he is a Haji and he felt embarassed by Mother, selling vegetables in the Night Market. So we took the bus instead, with a few sacks.

Dad once whispered to me when he came over to our selling spot in the night market " pegi kemas barang ko, kita balik! ko tak malu ke? Ko belajar MRSM tapi ko jual sayur kat sini. Anak-anak aku tak boleh buat kerja macam ni.." (Translated : pack your stuff and go home. Dont you feel embarassed doing this? you study in MRSM and yet you are selling vegetables in market like this? My sons or daughters cannot do this" Most of the time I dare not argue. I could see Mother's grim face, but she just kept quiet.

Dad was never supportive of Mother. Never! He was abusive. He was a control freak. The more I saw what he did to Mother, the more I hated him.