Going Down the Polygamy Road........pt 1

THE BEGINNING OF IT ALL

I was 7. It was time for us to start schooling. My mother bought me some new cloth to sew to make my schooling attire. She sewed it herself, using some other uniforms she borrowed from her neighbour. I was happy...happy like a clam.

While sewing my uniform which takes weeks, Mother said I need to start studying, be a good person, excel in my studies so I dont end up like her. Little did I know what those words really mean, coz she said it with a genuine smile on her face. Anyway I was just a child. Adult metaphores are too complicated for my brain at that time.

Another 2 days to start schooling. I cant wait.

Then came my dad. He drove all the way from the city to my mother's kampung house which takes around 30 minutes drive. He does it all the time. I see my dad's face twice a week at most. He will spend a few nights here, then off he goes to the city again. What I only know about the city house that he goes to is, there's a fierce woman who I call "Mak Wa". My mother doesnt like her, so did I. I am more happier staying with my mother. She loves me like no one in the world will.

On that day, I heard my dad talking to my mom about my schooling. He said that I can no longer stay at my mother's, I have to stay at the city house with Mak Wa. He already registered the school for me. My mother cried and asked him to consider, but my father shut her off.

He packed my stuff, some clothes and shoes, and he even took the half ready uniform that my mother sewed for me and said that Mak Wa can finish it off faster than her. As we drove off, I was crying quietly in the car, not knowing what will wait for me in the city house. My dad told me to wipe off my tears so Mak Wa couldnt see that I cried. So I did, scared and confused.

I keep asking myself, why they take me away? Why cant I stay with my mother? Why my dad did not take my younger sister (she is 3 years old at that time)? Why me??

But no one could answer me, coz I screamed & cried loudly inside my head. The only thing that shows was tears running down my cheek, and I kept wiping them away...

First day of school.

I was dressed in a dark blue pinaphore, with new shoes and school bag. Mak Wa got a tricycle (beca) and off we go to my school. I had no idea where it was. It's quite a distance coz the beca took forever to get there. We didnt speak to each other along the way. Mak Wa didnt like me much, I guess that's why we didnt speak.

We arrived at the school compound. I stepped off from the tricycle, Mak Wa handed me my bag and off I went. I went to the pool of new students in front of me, stood there, not knowing what to do. When I turned around to find Mak Wa, she is already gone. So is the tricycle.

I stood there until someone called out my name. Then I followed her. The nice lady who shouted my name asked where my parents were, I just shook my head.

Loud bell rang. It was break time. I saw some parents buy some bowls of noodles for their children. For those whose parents have gone back, they queued and handed over the "noodle man" some coins and the "noodle man" happily handed them the bowls. My stomach was rumbling. I need to get the noodles too. I searched in my bag for any coins, but there's none.

So I sat there by the bench looking at other kids slurrping away. The nice lady who shouted my name earlier came behind me and asked whether I do pack any drinks with me, I shook my head again. She held out her hand to me, I grabbed her hand and she brought me to the noodle man and paid for me. I was so happy. I said thank you. She said I should tell whoever that is caring for me to give some money and pack water for me everyday for school.

Little did i know that the "nice lady" will soon be my class teacher and she will be watching and caring for me for the rest of my primary school years. Her name is Puan Rashidah.

For many months after that very bitter first day of school, I went to school with a packed leftover food, and plain water. No money was given to me. The leftovers sometimes get smelly and fouled by recess time, at least I had water left for me to drink.

The tricycle which send me and took me from school became a burden to Mak Wa, so she did managed to talk to my dad to buy me a bicycle. So I will stop bothering her anymore with logistic issue. At the age of 8, I was summoned to cycle to school.

At the city house, I get to see mother twice a week. She will take a bus and drop by to see me and my brother. I didnt even know that Rahim was my blood brother until I came to the city house and mother told me about it. Mother said Rahim was sent to the city house right after her confinement. At that time, she already had me in her belly. That explains Rahim and myself is only 1 year apart. No wonder I never see his face before. But Rahim doesnt have that much of love for mother, but I do. Everytime mother sees me, she asked me about school, what I studied. She asked me about how I am doing. I felt relief whenever she came. I always poured my heart out to her. Unlike Mak Wa who never took any interest in my schooling or me.

The most dreading part was to see her going away on the bus because sometimes she came by and refused to sleep over. She came in the morning, then go back to her house in the late afternoon. I know she resented Mak Wa. I also noticed that Mak Wa will dissappear everytime mother came over to visit us. Mak Wa will go to neighbour's house and spend hours until mother goes home, then Mak Wa will finally step into the house. It was wierd for me. But I never asked.

THE CITY HOUSE

The city house which accomodate Mak Wa, myself, Rahim , Sham & Abang Din seems to be very small. As time passed by, we get used to it. Sham is also my blood brother, so as my mother said. He does love mother as I do, but he doesnt like to show it. Mother understands why. Sham is actually my eldest brother, came to stay with Mak Wa when he is already going to Secondary School. So Sham used to grow up and being taken care by mother. I can see the longing of love whenever mother kisses him, but as a grown boy, he chose to keep it to himself.

Abang Din is alot older than us. In fact he already left school and entering his adulthood. He still stayed with Mak Wa. For whatever reason, I dont know. Later I found out from my dad that Abang Din is actually my cousin brother, who is taken from his parents by Mak Wa and Dad to be theirs.

I am the only girl in the house.

Mak Wa loves to watch TV, so she puts her bed in the living room, right in front of the TV. There's only 1 room in the city house. That's where Mak Wa puts all our clothes and things. There's a bed inside the room but that bed was to be used by guests only. I slept on the thin mattress in the living hall.

Normally, I was asked to sleep right next to Mak Wa's bed, on the thin mattress on the floor of course, so it's easy for me to rub her foot while she is watching TV.

The other reason she puts me right beside her bed is easy access for morning wake up. She would use rattan (rotan) and hit me to wake me up, or sometimes she pretended like she's rushing out of bed and accidentally stepped on my feet or hand or sometimes my hair, so when I feel the pain, I would wake up. Quite a mean way to wake people up but yes, she was mean to me. And me only.

There's an attic in the city house. Sham studies and sleeps there. So is Rahim. The boys get to do their own things in the house, unlike me.

There's somewhat "fixed scheduling" in the city house fixed by Mak Wa. Monday to Friday, I will have to wake up at 5:30am, clean up the house, if there's enough time, I will have to wash 2-3 basins of clothes by my bare hands, hang them on the cloth liners before I go to school.

When I come back from school in the afternoon, I had to cook rice, (Mak Wa normally will cook the dishes only), clean and scrub the bathroom, and then off I go to religous school which starts at 2.30pm every monday to friday and finishes as 4:30pm. For the first few years, I go back home to the city house right after the religous school, and there's always tonnes of house chores waiting for me.

The hot water thermos has to be full all the time. Mak Wa will shake it everytime she wants to make coffee or tea. If it's empty, she will shout at me and the whole neighbourhood will hear her cursing and saying mean things to me like " kalau kau kawin, dah beranak dah... anu kau dah berdarah.... bende macam ni pun kau tak pandai buat..." (translated: If you are married, you would have got children already, your vagina have already bled (menstrual, of course), but simple stuff like this you cant do... " At first, I would just cry. I got hit by rattan the first time I cried. So I did not anymore.

She would look into the room, if the bed sheet isnt tight, she would scream and sometime I got some hitting on my back too. The most painful hitting was when she cursed about my mom " Mak ko tu bodoh, semua bende tak pandai... anak-anak dia aku jaga...beranak banyak-banyak, bapak ko suruh jaga..aku tak ingin nak jaga.." (translated : Your mom is stupid, she doesnt know anything. Her children, I take care. Bear a lot of children, your dad asked me to take care, I dont want to take care of you"

If she said all those things in a whisper, it wont hurt that much, but the whole neighbourhood would hear her. And I felt so embarassed.

Saturday & Sunday is relax day for me. Dad will come home from work. Dad work in an estate in Segamat and will come back home during weekends only. Mak Wa will cook and clean for him, his clothes etc, and after all, these two days are heaven for me because Mak Wa will not curse and shout. At first I felt happy, but as I grow older, I know why she refused me cooking, cleaning, when my dad is around in the house.

Mother would normally come and visit us during the weekdays, and sometimes during the weekend too. If mother comes during the weekend, Mak Wa will dissappear from the house, as usual, and mother will not feel comfortable in the house. Mother would normally chat with dad, and then say good bye to us and off she goes on the bus again. The visit will be very brief, and we didnt get to talk to mother like always. I prefer when she comes during the weekdays, so she would stay and talk to me for hours.

There are reasons why these things happens. As time passes by, I soon learned that Mak Wa is my step mother, and she is married to my Dad first before she married Mother. Mother is younger compared to her. My Dad married mother because Mak Wa refused to bear anymore children after the pain she went through when she gave birth to Kamal, her only child, who is close to 25 years older than us.

Bits and pieces starts forming a pattern as I grow older. At 1o years old, I realized that Mak Wa never loved me. All the beatings and the cursing never stopped, no matter what I did.

I even had a few accidents in the kitchen, and it was blamed on me. I was frying "Cekodok Pisang" (translated: banana puff), the oil in the pan was very hot, and the puff get stuck onto the frying pot. As I tried to turn the puff over, the round pot toppled over and it burned my hand and few fingers. Lucky enough it didnt hit my face or my body. I screamed of pain, Mak Wa rushed into the kitchen and saw the puff all thrown on the floor, she grabbed the rattan and hit me along my back. I ran into the attic and cried sliently in a corner.

Rahim and I were almost same age, I get to play with him sometimes, but I know he is Mak Wa's favourite. One time we were arguing over something, I cant remember what, he pushed me into the metal window frame, and the frame scratched my flesh, right beside my right eye. I was bleeding. Mak Wa heard the screaming, and quickly went over. I told her Rahim pushed me and I bled, Mak Wa took the rattan and swing. I closed my eyes. Suddenly I felt flesh hurting on my back. I got hit! Mak Wa didnt even hit Rahim. Not a single bit!!

Those 2 clear incidents proves to me that Mak Wa never loved me.

So the next question I asked myself : If Mak Wa dont love me, why Dad asked me to stay with her? Why I cant stay with Mother?? WHY???

I have so much questions, but no one could hear me. No one have the answer for me.

AT SCHOOL, AGE 10

I was known in school as a very timid and quiet girl. I dont have that many friends. I felt jealous sometimes that my friends parents send them to school, kiss them, hug them, hand them monies and packed lunch before the morning session starts. The children looked very happy. You can see they have all the support and the love they need from parents.

I dont have all that. I was never happy as a child. I came to school by my own bike, I never get fresh packed lunch, always the leftovers which didnt make it through to recess time, and plain water. Never any money to buy noodles from the noodle man, never any money to buy Asam Boy juice like my other classmates after school. I was thin and pale.

Despite all that quietness in school, I develop some strong will. The will to survive and change my future. The inspiration comes from none other than my class teacher, Puan Rashidah who salvaged me on the first day I step into school.

She cared about me, at first, from a distance. I didnt realize that she has been observing me from far. She asked me to be Head of the Class, I get to be with her often. She also noticed that I have ability to absorb things, and have interest in studies. She was teaching the most difficult subject: Science.

Until one day, i was in the Teacher's room, I overheard another teacher saying to her: Wow.. I am sure Lia(i will not used my full name here) will be very happy...what a lucky kid she is. So when you going to adopt her?

They didnt notice me as I was so quiet like a cat.

It got me thinking, are they talking about me? Is this really happening?

The thought of having to be adopted by the "nice lady" haunts me for days. I fantasize about being away from this shit hole, and get to stay with people who cares about me and will love me like mother does. At least I get my own room, unlike now. At least I dont have to wake up every morning by some pain either being stepped over or rattan beat. I am sure someone out there will save me one day.

I guess my praying to be saved all these years is heard by God. Instead, I was saved by my none other than Mother.

The rumors of Puan Rashidah wanted to adopt me spread to the whole school. Some kids, standard 6 kids (older than me, I was standard 5 at that time) congratulated me for the good news. Some said I was just a pity case. But others sees that I deserved it.

Whatever they think, I didnt care less. I was top 5 of my class and Puan Rashidah signed my report card on behalf on my parents. That sure would make Mother or "nice lady" proud.

One fine day, I was visited by Mother in school. The first and the last visit ever in years. I guess she must have heard the fact that "nice lady" wants to adopt me. Nice Lady and Mother met eye to eye that day. I saw Mother talking to Nice Lady, bit by bit, tears running down her cheek.. I couldnt hear what they were talking about.

Once they have finished talking, Nice Lady asked me whether I want to go back with mother and take the rest of the school day off. I quickly nod, pack my bag and leave with Mother.

Mother took me to her house (the Kampung house). She was talking to me like normal in the bus, and reassure me that she will take care of me and my sister.

I was happy, at least for a few days. I get to play outside the house, playing with my little sister, and some neighbours that I have not seen for many years. Some of them refused to jump into the river with me because they have grown older. But I was like a child, unleashed. I played by the river until late afternoon. Mother called us to take bath and ready for Quran recital after dawn. I was back being a child again, with little care in the world. After all, Mother loves me. That's more important now. I do not have to live in fear ever again. But it was shortlived.

The next day, My Dad came to the house. He was furious. I know Mother would be furious too if she sees him like that. Mother was doing some gardening in our big lawn in front of the house, and Dad went over to her. At first I heard Dad shouting. Later I heard Mother's shouting.

I peeked through the window and tried to hear what the yelling was all about. I know it was about me, but couldnt get any clear word of it. Then I saw Mother holding out a Big Knife, pointing at Dad and shouted. The shouting scared Dad away and he drove off.

For months I have not seen Dad after that incident. Mother sent me to school near our house. I excelled in school, even got 4As for my Penilaian Darjah 5 at that time. The teacher in school asked me to fill up some forms for Boarding School.

Mother was the happiest, and I was happy for a while, with Mother, little Zai in our Kampung house.

MRSM years

I was enrolled in MRSM and it send everybody a shock. Dad was so proud, he spread the news to the whole world. The city house neighbours were asking me, how and when did I study.. most of the time I was in the kitchen, either cleaning or cooking. They never saw me studying.

The Kampung house neigbours congratulated me. Most of my close friends during city house era congratulated me too. I was very happy. My Dad also claimed his portion of proudness by stating clearly to every one in our city neighbourhood that Mak Wa was the one responsible for me excelling in my studies. But looking at their faces, I know they dont believe it. I dont, of course.

In fact at a very young age, I realized that for me to get away from the constant & unnecessary beatings and cramp house, away from Mak Wa and my crazy Dad is Boarding School. I need to study hard to get there, and I did. Mother was the one who is encouraging me to study. She didnt want me to end up like her. She was right. My Dad did not do anything for me.

During MRSM years, I was more mature compared to children of my age. I began developing strong curiousity over things, which reflected over my studies. In that area, I dont have much problems. It's the personal life area that I have some hiccups. I need answers. Answers to my questions that I have been asking, and no one would answer me :

I had a Mother, but why my Dad asked me to stay with my Mak Wa (step mother)?

I had the answer when I came back during one semester break. I was 16 at that time.

I was asked by Dad to stay over at Mak Wa's house for a few days before I go off to Mother's house. I did.

That Maghrib's praying, we all prayed together. It was sorrow all over the house after the news of my brother Sham, who have joined the Marine and he was confirmed & reported lost in duty in Sabah. His wife was bearing a child at 8 months at that time. Everyone was in mourning over his so called "death".

It was a vulnerable time for my Dad. So I seized it. I asked him straight questions right after the Doa we had. I asked " Abah, kenapa kitaorang ni semua Mak Wa yang jaga, kenapa Mak tak jaga?" (Translated: Dad, why does stepmother take care of us all, why not Mother)

I didnt expect to get straight answer, but Dad did answer it.

"Mak ko kawin dengan abah, Mak Wa ko yang pinangkan... jadi, ada buat perjanjian la... untuk balas budi Mak Wa sebab pinangkan abah dengan Mak Ko, anak-anak abah semua Mak Wa la jaga...sebab tu la Mak Wa yang jaga.."

Translated : Your Mother married me, after the engagement set by your stepmother. In oder t say thanks, we made a deal, all my children, your stepmother will take care").

I memorize the exact word, and also the PROUD expression on my Dad's face at that time.

He even said that Mak Wa was never mean to us, we need to thank her for the education, for the care etc. He even said Mother was not really a mother, Mother doesnt know how to take good care of us, educate us.

Those statement was LIES, LIES, LIES. I was speechless and taken aback by my own Dad's statement attacking Mother like that. Why would he condemn Mother like that? I dont understand why.

He was so proud that he married TWO WIVES, he was so proud that his 2 wives looks like they get along with each other. But the fact is, they never were. Everytime I get some beating from Mak Wa, it was merely because she was offended by her or angry at Mother. Instead of going to her, Mak Wa realeased it on me. How can Dad not notice all these?

I was thankful for his honesty but after that I resented him for the rest of my life. In fact until today, I can never forgive him for what he did to Mother.

After that honest answer, alot of things came into me. I started asking Mother openly about how her feelings towards Dad's decision about us. Mother was reluctant to say. She only gave me hints. Hints that makes me puzzled. The hints stayed with me through the years. I became very good at remembering things, just because I do not have answers to it yet.

At 17, I had good grades in SPM and offered by MARA to do A-Levels and study in England. I got a place in University of Manchester doing Chemical Engineering. We were called for briefing in Mara's HQ in Jalan Raja Laut KL. I went there with some friends.

Part of the package of going off to England, MARA gave us some money before hand - it was RM1500.00 for buying clothes and baggage. During the briefing with MARA, we were told to buy winter clothing as it is already entering winter in England the time we reach there. I had no idea where to get the clothing, so I decided to do some shopping with some other close friends of mine at that time. We went around in Pertama Complex in KL, right after the briefing and we managed to get suitcases and very thick sweater which costs almost half of the money given by MARA to us.

After that, I went back home to Johor, to the city house where everybody was waiting for the good news from me. Mother was there too. I was very happy to see Mother. She was so proud of me.

Dad saw the big suitcase I just bought and the shopping bag with winter sweater in it. He asked me where I got the money from, I casually said it was Mara who gave us the money. His eyes were wide open when I mentioned the amount Mara gave to me. I told him what the briefing was all about, what they want us to purchase using the money. I was hoping for some kind of understanding. But instead I got a shouting.

Dad wanted the money. He told mother to get the money from me. He said I dont need all those. Instead of buying those, the money can be used for others to eat and pay bills. So there they were, Mak Wa, Dad and Mother arguing about Mara's money. Mak Wa was siding with Dad, Mother stood up for me. Mother said the money is for my preparation, which Dad could never afford to provide me with, so she took me home to Kampung house that evening.

For the next few days, Mother took me shopping for other small things that I need, based on the list Mara gave me.

Mother mentioned to me about Dad after the Money issue was Dad is becoming like Mak Wa, who is very materialistic. Mother said she never liked their attitude, but she asked me to respect Dad still because he is my Dad. I didnt have the heart to tell Mother but I have lost respect with Dad way before this Money issue. But I just kept quiet. Respect is deserved, not to be forced upon. Dad doesnt deserve our respects, and I have lost it many years ago, and I never got it back.

I was so anxious about flying to England. Mother couldnt wait either. Mother was in tears a few time when I saw her, she said it was tears of proud and joy. She said I will make things better, I will make her proud as a person and as a citizen. She kept telling me not to forget where we came from, who have helped us. She asked me to thank Puan Rashidah for her support, and I did went to my primary school and met her. It was all emotional. There's no way I will forget these people who have inspired me and held their hand out to me when I seek for help.

Mother asked me to take good care of myself and concentrate on my studies.

At the airport, Mak Wa was very quiet. She didnt even want to see me that day. I was busy with briefing by Mara at the airport. Suddenly Dad came to me. He asked me to talk to Mak Wa. He said she was so sad, so she sat outside the building, not wanting to be with everybody else. I quickly rushed to her, coz I have only 10 minutes before they start calling my name to enter the Departure Hall.

I went over, I took her hand and said I am going. She told me " if we cannot meet after this, please recite Surah Yasin for me from far". That's the only thing she said. Little did I know that she is going to die when I was in England studying.

Years later i realized that she cried that day because she felt guilty of not nurturing me and love me as what was entrusted to her by Dad. She regretted hitting me for no reason at all. But as I said, it's all too late for forgiveness. I found out about this from a relative of mine long after Mak Wa died. What was done was all beyond repair. The funny part was I never resented Mak Wa for what she did. I resented Dad for letting this happen.

If Mak Wa was the one who engaged Mother and him during those young years, why sacrifice us, children for his ego? Why separate us from Mother? It's inhumane. Even animals feels love for their babies, not to mention us human. Mother was suffering, but Dad kept ignoring, scolding and cursing.

Mother sometimes doesnt have money to pay electric and water bills because Dad's income is small too. So Mother found a way to generate income. She planted all sorts of vegetables around lawn area and sell it in the market. Dad verbally will attack Mother every chance he had, but Mother was so cool and determined about it.

When I came back from MRSM for term holidays, I would go with Mother, pluck Chillies, pack them in the sack, pack Lemon Grass and whatever vegetables that Mother can sell in the market.

Dad had a car, but he refused to help out. He said he is a Haji and he felt embarassed by Mother, selling vegetables in the Night Market. So we took the bus instead, with a few sacks.

Dad once whispered to me when he came over to our selling spot in the night market " pegi kemas barang ko, kita balik! ko tak malu ke? Ko belajar MRSM tapi ko jual sayur kat sini. Anak-anak aku tak boleh buat kerja macam ni.." (Translated : pack your stuff and go home. Dont you feel embarassed doing this? you study in MRSM and yet you are selling vegetables in market like this? My sons or daughters cannot do this" Most of the time I dare not argue. I could see Mother's grim face, but she just kept quiet.

Dad was never supportive of Mother. Never! He was abusive. He was a control freak. The more I saw what he did to Mother, the more I hated him.